Damn it.
MARKY FIGS
I troll stupid idiots on Christwire as Mark E. Figs and tweet as @goochdoctor I just want to be your friend
Here is episode one of HOBO DAD
I wrote this because I was bored and would like to see this made. It’s the tale of a widowed father who raises his two children from his van. Riveting stuff.
damn here’s my memoirs
I’ve been in serious talks with no one to publish my memoirs, based on the “incredible artistic merit and talent exhibited within my writing.” Since this deal is expected to be in the seven-figure range, I cannot reveal ALL of the content for free but please be content to dine on these tiny nuggets of carnal sexpleasure.
“I went to my first Men’s Action Coalition meeting at age three.”
The above passage illustrates the depth of my character; even at the tender age of three I was nuanced enough to explore the risks associated with accepting my gender proudly.
“I’ve been in therapy since I was seven.”
A lot of artists and creative minded people often express their “inner-turmoil” or espouse about the conflict in which they operate. They are “misunderstood” as children and thus need to seek psychiatric help; this is in NO way a ploy for the artist to reveal the complexities which make them up.
Myself on the other hand, was molested for four years by my grandpa in his shed, the entire time he made mouthsex with my asshole he’d listen to Creed’s “Human Clay.”
“When I was about nine I developed a terrible fear of being anorexic.”
Luckily for me this fear turned out to be unsubstantial and I’ve celebrated every birthday since my eleventh with a platter of meats molded into a seven-layer cake.
“When I was about nine, I wrote a vow of celibacy … I knew my mother had waited until the summer after she graduated [high school]”
It is totally not uncommon or odd for a nine year old to think of such things, especially a nine year old who grew up in a sheltered, “gated” community of artists and influential trendsetters. After high school my mother became the “Slut of the Nile” because of her tendency to have promiscuous sex (for money at times) with men from all walks of life.
Anyway, I seriously wrote a vow, complete with a rigid set of rules that would prohibit me from doing the sex with anyone. It was NOT a way to justify my lack of sex due to my massive man-tits, lisp and propensity to wear sweatpants.
“At 24 I felt like an old maid….”
I was a college graduate, I had no job prospects, my English was piss-poor and my parents lost their home, forcing them to move into two different homeless missions. But, uh, art is tough.
“When I got to college I suddenly had the sense that my upbringing hadn’t been very ‘real’”
As in my mother and father got divorced and my family life spiraled into a never-ending series of disappointing letdowns and the once strong familial structure dissolved into nothingness; heartache, debt and jail time. But uh yeah, don’t pity me, I AM the voice of my generation.
”Once I had a vegan dinner party which was chronicled for the Style section of the New York Times”
It was chronicled in part because of the large Hispanic turnout which resulted in multiple stabbings, a small kitchen fire, and the discovery of several illegal animals living in a van parked behind the restaurant The dinner in itself was forgettable and contained the same ol’ intellectual discourse that’s come to be a trademark of my life.
“Once at poetry camp I saw my friend Joanna in a bikini”
This would normally not be noteworthy, but the circumstances surrounding the viewing — she had been caught in the wake of a speedboat and dragged several hundred meters before succumbing to her wounds — made for a vividly poetic and inspiring scene.
“I immediately started seeing my mother’s nutritionist Vinnie.”
My parents can afford such luxuries. They’re totally not broken up and struggling from paycheck to paycheck or anything. The revelation of my dietary struggles? This is a groundbreaking proclamation, but I do feel that as the voice of a generation I am entitled to such privileges.
“Every ice pop I ate, every movie I watched, every poem I wrote was tinged with a fearful loss.”
Do these blurbs sound trite or dull or unimportant by now? A little preening in it’s pretentiousness? Events that are typical of the human experience? Fuck you, I want 3 million dollars, bud.
“Cassie was a very fat girl we knew who we had nicknamed fat Cassie because she was also not that nice.”
Cassie went on to struggle through high school, due to her shitty social surroundings cruel peers and fractured family life, balancing raising her two fatherless children while bouncing from food service job to food service job, never really achieving her hopes and dreams. She killed herself on her son’s 9th birthday. But hey, she was FAT AS SHIT lol. RIP fat Cassie, ya dumb bitch.
“I’ve never kept a diary, because if a girl writes in her diary and there’s no one there to read it, did she really write anything at all?”
Luckily for me, I wont have to know the answer to that. Pay me, fucker.
THE WORST SKITS, EVER
Enjoy well-written comedy sketches that invoke laughter to such a degree that you urine into your own pants with no disregard to your JNCO jeans? Then don’t read these —
Horrible Parents —
A young couple eats at a restaurant. They are accompanied by their months-old child. He begins to get whiny, much to the chagrin of these parents. Somewhere in the restaurant, a different baby begins to whine and cry.
The young dad remarks, “Looks like we’re not the only ones with a diva piece of shit.”
Pat Robertson, Keep it 7 Hunna —
Pat Robertson in a kinky twists wig, ala Chief Keef reads the tracklisting of his debut “rap” album, “Finally Spiritually Rich.” Songs include
“Love Moses”
“That Ish I Don’t Like”
(Lyrics include — “a young nigger, that’s that ish I don’t like, a gay nigger that’s that ish I don’t like, a rich nigger.. you get the point.)
At the end he exposes his penis and places it lengthwise into a toaster.
Battle of The Dads —
Two dads invoke a clause in their son’s High School Battle of the Bands competition and face-off using a variety of 80’s songs because they cannot accept the fact that they are past their prime. The skit ends with a harrowing shooting in which everyone but the dad’s survive.
John Youtube —
A look into the stressful, high-stakes game of life that comes with being named John Youtube.
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Good god, keep me OFFLINE. Here’s my twitter though GOOCHDOCTOR THE BEST
Horrible Wrestling Gimmicks
I am a wrestling fan, which means a lot of my nights are spent humping the dry pillow that is my passed-out mom. Here are some truly horrible gimmicks that I would love to see —
Ohno Phil (Oenophile) — A well-dressed man who wears business casual clothing and violently chugs wine from a variety of vessels. He threatens opponents with condescending wine terminology. His special is “DeCorker” which is a corkscrew DDT.
Lance Garcia — a immigrant Mexican older man who attempts to (and fails at) assimilating to young American culture by wearing a visor, cargo sweatpant shorts, and FUBU jerseys. He uses outdated terms and his special move is “Coming To America” which is basically a facebuster.
Single Dad — A divorced father of three, who often rants about “losing his kids” and “sleeping in the van.” He’s a loose cannon that loses several matches due to his tendency to erupt into tears into the middle of the bout. His special move is “Put The Kids To Sleep” which is a Spinebuster DDT.
The Pawn Star — a fat, greasy looking man clad in all black street clothes. He often flaunts his money and does incendiary things like insult the value of his opponent’s belongings. Is obnoxious about his wealth. His special is “The Appraisal” which is a reverse STO.
Connor Buckley — aka the HIPSTER VEGAN, this frail high-flyer is “sickly” — both his skill-set and his appearance. He is a heel and chastises his fellow roster mates by mocking their lifestyle, despite the fact that he secretly consumes meat and other non-vegan items. His special move is “Carnivorousness” which is an Argentine Cutter
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Diary of a FUCKING IDIOT
Scrolling through my Twitter archive, I stumbled upon these gems. These are ALL real. I found myself astounded by what my room mate would say and I’d tweet it. Wish I would have done this more. Enjoy
Fuck that guy.
